


all in the timing

by margoB



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Some angst, and its good and gay, at their high school reunion, basically shelby and toni run into each other ten years later, cant get enough of them really, high school reunion fic, lots of sweet stuff too, some smut, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28590027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/margoB/pseuds/margoB
Summary: toni and shelby reconnect after years apart. it's a lot.(with features from all your favs! but first and foremost this = gay)
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 45
Kudos: 507





	1. toni finds herself back where she started

**Author's Note:**

> hi there, felt possessed to write this. like last time, the second chapter is already written and i'll post it in a day or two. LOL (lots of love) enjoy! this one (like all of 'em) is for my girls and gays
> 
> ps the secks is in the second chap so dont expect it just yet, lemme build yall up first!

When Toni was in high school, she dreamed about getting away. Graduating and going to college and never coming back. It was all she ever wanted, to be somewhere else, to start over in a place where no one knew her or where she had come from or who she was. 

See, high school hadn’t been easy. The kids were mean, the teachers didn’t care, and if you tried to get any fucking justice for yourself, you just ended up in deeper shit than before. And that didn’t even begin to touch on how hard it had been for Toni outside of the school hallways. The trouble she had found in her various foster homes was often just as haunting.

Really, if it hadn’t been for Martha, the one person to care for Toni, to be there for her, Toni wasn’t sure she would’ve made it through at all.

Then again, Toni realized, if it weren’t for Martha, she wouldn’t be driving back to the exact place she had been so desperate to leave behind. All for a fucking high school reunion. 

She couldn’t exactly hold it against her friend, who had invited Toni back home to spend the holidays with her family. In exchange, Martha had asked for this one thing. At first, Toni had been adamantly against it, telling Martha to ‘fuck off’ when it had first been brought up. She had thought Martha was joking. It was ridiculous. Not only had high school mostly been a living hell, but also, it’s not like reunions were really Toni’s cup of tea to begin with. 

But this was no joke.

Despite the fact that she was staying in Martha’s family’s backhouse, Toni had insisted on driving separately, in case she needed to get away early. So when Toni pulled into her high school parking lot, she shifted the car into park and took a deep breath, soaking in her last moments alone for the evening. 

She could do this. She would be fine. Some parts of growing up here hadn’t been that bad, right? A few of the girls on the basketball team were cool, there were some others from classes that Toni remembered liking, too. And of course, Toni had Martha. 

Still, she couldn’t help but worry, the unpleasant memories of her hometown threatening to make Toni feel the way she did back then. Scared. Angry.

Alone.

With the engine shut off, the cold winter air began to infiltrate the shelter of her car fast, as if it was trying to push Toni out of its safety and into the claws of the school. Maybe the sooner she went in, the sooner Martha would let her leave. Toni held onto that thought and made her way inside. 

When Toni had walked the halls of Hopewell High as a teenager, she had felt dwarfed by the lockers looming along every wall, by the people who always seemed taller than her, stronger. So it was a bit of a relief to find that the interior of the school now felt completely ordinary. 

The walls weren’t closing in, the football players weren’t spitting insults at her from dark corners. Toni was bigger than this place now, bigger than everything it’d ever done to her, everything it had made her out to be. She grasped onto the feeling, desperate for comfort as she got closer and closer to the gym, where the event was being held. It was like they  _ wanted _ this to be as unbearable as possible. 

Turning the corner into the last stretch of hallway that led to the gym, Toni finally began to see people. Being a little late, mostly everyone was already inside, talking and catching up and wanting to show that they were better off than before, or if they had been popular in high school, desperately trying to prove that they still were. 

Toni grabbed her name tag at the check-in table despite finding it a little unnecessary. In terms of looks, Toni hadn’t changed very much. Sure, she looked a little older (it had been ten years after all), but she still had the same wiry strength, athletic build. Maybe she wore her hair a little shorter, but even that wasn’t noticeable. No, these people would probably take one look at her and see the same angry girl. Toni didn’t know what to think of that.

A girl named Lin was running the sign-in sheet. She had always been deeply involved in activities and student government and the like, so it wasn’t really a shock to find her here. She gave Toni a smile, seeming to understand that Toni wasn’t in the mood to make conversation just yet. 

Toni thought back to high school and remembered how often Lin had bombarded students in the halls, trying to get them to sign up for events, thrusting flyers into their hands, never quite seeing that some kids were just trying to get through it. That anything else would’ve been too much. 

Seeing her here, like this, was a nice change. Toni smiled back at her and nodded, “Hey, Lin. How are you?”

Lin raised her eyebrows, surprised. “I’m good, Toni. How ‘bout yourself?”

“I’m okay. Wasn’t too psyched to come to this, I gotta admit,” Toni said.

“I don’t really blame you. But I hope you have a good time,” Lin said.

And Toni appreciated that there wasn’t any pity in her voice. Just understanding.

“Um, maybe we’ll catch up later?” And Toni found she didn’t really hate the idea. Lin was alright.

Lin smiled, agreeing. Then, with nothing left to hold off the inevitable any longer, Toni walked through the double doors. 

\---

The gym was packed and loud. That was Toni’s first impression of the place. There was music playing out of the same speakers the high school had used for decades, but it was mostly the talking that added to the noise. 

Crowds milling about in the same circles as back in the day, everyone needing to say their piece, everyone needing to assert themselves as recognizable. Changed but not completely so. Changed by money or a ring on their finger or a fancy job, but unchanged by time, by what’s on the inside. New things to show off, but the same old people talking about the same old things. 

Toni rolled her eyes at herself. She was being a little harsh. It did seem like some people had come into themselves during their time away. 

There was Leah in the corner, and the girl looked different somehow. It was obviously her, as the only noticeable change at first glance was that she wore wire-rimmed glasses instead of contacts, but there was something about her. Maybe it was that her shoulders were back, her eyes calmer. Maybe it was that her mind seemed settled in her body, like she was fully present here. She looked happy.

And continuing to scan, Toni noticed Fatin was at Leah’s side. She, too, had a kind of air about her, like she was her own person, doing her own thing. Loose and fun and laughing as usual, but it wasn’t like she had to overdo it. It wasn’t like she had to rush to do it all and be the life of the party in one foul swoop because she wasn’t sure when the next time she’d have the freedom to do so would be. She was at ease. 

Toni raised her brow when she saw Fatin rest her hand on the small of Leah’s back. That was new, too.

So, yeah, some people had found themselves. Others, though. Others were exactly the same. She spotted Andrew and his friends near the drinks table, laughing too loudly and taking up too much space, just like high school. 

If she didn’t know better, or hope for better at least, Toni would think Andrew might come over and call her a dyke like he used to. Watching her with those dangerous eyes. Wanting her to fight back, so he had more of a reason to pick on the angry gay girl from the res. So he could spit mean words to her face instead of behind her back. 

Toni watched as Andrew leaned into a girl at his side, grabbing her to say something in her ear. Realization hit Toni in an instant, seeing that blonde hair, the golden skin. She almost felt like she could see the deep, green eyes from her spot in the doorway all the way across the gym.

Shelby Goodkind. 

She slapped playfully at Andrew’s arm, pushing him away. Toni couldn’t believe it. Were they really still dating? Or were they engaged now? Maybe even married?

Toni didn’t like the heat that bloomed in her stomach at the thought, making her fingers twitch at her sides. Not for any reason, though, of course not. Or not for any reason that had to do with Shelby herself. Toni just pitied anyone who had to be near Andrew. That was it.

In high school, Toni hadn’t had that many run-ins with Shelby. Andrew and his guy friends had been dicks to Toni on many occasions, but usually Shelby wasn’t around when anything went down. She guessed that Andrew had had to keep up that Christian boy image around Shelby if he wanted any chance of getting in her pants. 

No, Toni had mostly just been frustrated with Shelby by association. Even though Shelby never did anything to Toni herself, she must’ve known in some sense the type of person Andrew really was. 

Or, maybe not, if the way Andrew kept pulling Shelby into his body was anything to go by.

And maybe that was why Toni had always been so short with the other girl. Shelby had been purposefully blind, intentionally so. She needed to be perfect, so she ignored the imperfections that were right in front of her. Kept all the cracks behind closed doors. 

Behind closed doors. The thought ricocheted around Toni’s mind, bringing forward a memory that Toni hadn’t thought of in years. Hadn’t allowed herself to think of. The night of the basketball championship. 

There had been an after party at one of her teammate’s houses, which was the only reason Toni had gone. It got big, too big, really fast. Toni remembered feeling lost in the crowd, unable to find Martha or any of her friends from the team, unable to hear herself think.

So she sought out an empty room, a commodity hard to find at a party like that, walking in on several official and unofficial couples before finding one untouched. Quiet. She had just needed a moment, really. To recollect herself and decide if she wanted to stay or leave. 

And if she wanted to stay, she had to figure out a way to stay in control. Noise like that could be too dominating, often becoming too solid of a presence for Toni. Made her want to swing her arms and gnash her teeth at anyone who came too close. It was only a matter of time before there were some casualties.

Which is why she found the room. She needed to come back into herself. But it was only a few minutes later that someone else busted into the room, closing the door quickly behind herself.

Shelby.

For a minute, she hadn’t noticed Toni. She had just leaned her forehead against the door, like she was relieved to finally be alone. 

But she hadn’t been alone. Not really.

The minute Toni had cleared her throat, Shelby turned back into the person that Toni usually saw around school. Chin up, shoulders back, breath held. A performance. That was the only way Toni could describe it.

“Shoot, sorry,” Shelby had said. “I didn’t see you there. I just-I just needed to catch my breath for a sec.”

Truthfully, Toni had been a little drunk already, so it took her a minute to stop from just staring at the blonde and to string some words together in response. And because Shelby had come into the space Toni had already claimed, the space she needed for herself, Toni couldn’t help but snap. “Why would you need to catch your breath? It’s all your fucking friends making a mess and being loud out there.”

And Toni had to wonder if maybe Shelby had had a little to drink too because rather than take the high road, she bit back. “Believe it or not, Toni, I need a break sometimes, too.”

“A break?” Toni had scoffed, standing up from place at the foot of the bed. She was a little unsteady on her feet, but she took a few steps toward Shelby with no problem, with purpose. “What do you need a break from, Shelby? Your life a little too perfect lately or something? Need to come in here and act like you have problems? Guess what? Some of us have actual problems, and we don’t get a fucking break from them.”

Shelby had flinched at the words, but came back at Toni just as strong. Her voice was low, strained with unreleased tension and anger. A side of her Toni hadn’t ever seen before. “You know what, Toni? You don’t know me. You don’t  _ fucking _ know me at all. You have no idea who I am or how much is expected of me.”

Toni had rolled her eyes. “How much is expected of you? Are you talking about your fucking pageant nonsense, Shelby? Because you  _ choose _ to have those expectations put on you, you  _ choose _ to be judged for your smile and your body and whatever other trivial things they prescribe a number to. These are things that you change and dress up for the fucking purpose of being judged. Try being hated for something you can’t change for once.”

And the whole time Toni had been spitting her words, she and Shelby had gotten closer and closer together without realizing until they were face to face, every breath palpable, their chests rising and falling in angry synchrony. Toni’s fists had been clenching and unclenching at her sides, fingers itching to do something, to grab on and not let go, whatever the fuck that meant.

And Shelby’s fucking green eyes bore into Toni’s, crackling with energy, with intention, like they had been waiting for this moment since the dawn of time. Since Eve had been born from the rib of Adam. 

Toni had thought Shelby was going to punch her in the fucking face.

Instead, Shelby had placed her hands on Toni’s cheeks, closed her eyes, leaned in, and--

“Toni!” Martha called out to Toni with a plastic cup in hand, waving her over to a spot near the bleachers. 

Jesus. 

As Toni made her way to Martha, pushing through the various circles of people, she shook her head, trying to rid herself of the memory. Because what did it matter? Shelby had needed a moment of chaos and had found it there in that bedroom with Toni. And that was it. 

She was still with Andrew. She was probably happy. They were going to pop out 2.5 kids and move to the suburbs and go to church on Sundays and spend Thanksgiving with Andrew’s family and Christmas at the Goodkind’s and--

And that was fine. Why wouldn’t it be? It was to be expected, honestly, and if Toni squinted at her emotions, she could tell herself that was almost comforting. Shelby was the same as ever. It meant Toni didn’t have to spare her another thought. 

“Hey,” Martha said, “What were you doing over there by the door?”

Toni released a breath, laughing, “You know, just takin’ it all in.”

“You remember Dot, right?” Martha asked, gesturing to the figure standing next to her. 

Toni did remember Dot. She had always been a bit of a loner like Toni, kept to herself, like maybe she didn’t have time for the luxuries that high school was supposed to offer. Toni could understand that. 

Dot had sort of seemed like Atlas back then, the weight of the world on her shoulders, pushed down by something heavy that just wouldn’t let up. Like she didn’t give herself any room to slip, to take a breath.

Now, though, wow. The girl looked great. Happy and rested and light. 

Toni smiled at her, reaching out her hand to shake, “Hey, Dot, how’s it going?” 

Dot gave Toni’s hand a firm shake and answered, “You know, I’m actually doin’ alright. Like, I fuckin’  _ hated _ this place, but it’s not so bad being back. Who knows, maybe it’s closure or something.”

Huh. Toni wondered if she would find that tonight. She kind of doubted it, but she was happy for Dot. 

“Y’know, you were the last person I expected to see here tonight, Toni. After myself, maybe,” Dot said, laughing.

“Yeah, I know. Marty kind of forced me into it.” Toni nudged Martha with her elbow.

“Shut up. You have to admit that at the very least it’s interesting to see how much people have changed. And c’mon, it wasn’t all bad, right?”

That was one thing that Martha and Toni still disagreed about, though it had been so long that it never really came up anymore. Sure, it wasn’t like every single moment of every single day had been torture for Toni, but it often felt like the bad had outweighed the good. Too often. 

Regardless, Toni had learned (after a lot of hard work) not to hold it against Martha. Her friend always saw the best in every situation, and it had helped Toni too many times to count over the years. It was just who Martha was. 

“Yeah, I guess not,” and Toni found herself looking over at Andrew’s group once more but saw that Shelby was now absent. 

It wasn’t her concern. It wasn’t.

Changing the subject, Toni turned to Dot. “So, have you kept in touch with anyone from around here?”

“Yeah, Fatin and I ended up getting really close in college. And when she and Leah started dating I became pretty good friends with her, too. It’s kind of funny, like, I had always sort of  _ noticed _ them in high school, clocking in the back of my mind that they didn’t seem too bad, but I never really talked to them. They were just in my periphery. Then life kind of threw them back at me later, and it just sorta worked out. Weird how things happen like that sometimes.”

Toni agreed, though she wasn’t sure if she could relate so much. Still, it made sense. Sometimes the timing wasn’t right. Sometimes you had to find yourself first. Toni could understand that. 

She tried to think of who had been in her periphery in high school. Dot was one, she realized. Leah and Fatin, too. And after seeing Lin at the door, Toni was tempted to add her to the list. 

As Martha and Dot continued making small talk and catching up, Toni scanned the area, wanting to see if she had noticed anyone else in that way. People that were more alike to herself than unalike but had been kept at a distance by the viciousness and unforgiving circumstances of high school in smalltown America.

A glimpse of blonde hair caught Toni’s eye. Shelby. Again. 

Maybe for a moment, way back when, in the privacy and closeness and warmth of that bedroom, Toni had thought she could see Shelby clearly. But it had just been a moment. Toni would be damned if the girl snuck back into her periphery now.

Shelby was looking at a display of old yearbook photos, pasted onto a wall of craft paper so people could sign it and write funny anecdotes. Her hands were folded behind her back, as she leaned in to look closer here and there. 

Toni took the moment to observe the way she existed when she wasn’t with Andrew. When Shelby wasn’t aware anyone else was watching. 

She was wearing plaid pants and a soft, comfortable-looking sweater. It was simple, different from high school. Her movements seemed more relaxed too, less rigidity to the way she held herself. Toni wondered if it was real or if this was another performance. It had always been hard to tell with Shelby.

Then, like she could feel someone looking, could feel  _ Toni _ looking, Shelby turned and made direct eye contact with her. Quickly Toni flicked her eyes away and tried to tune back into the conversation occurring right in front of her, but to her displeasure and embarrassment, she could feel her cheeks warming. 

She had been caught staring, so what? Shelby couldn’t even be sure that it was her Toni was looking at. Maybe Toni just so happened to be looking at Shelby in that specific moment. Maybe Toni had just been spacing out. It wasn’t true, of course, but Shelby didn’t know that.

Right?

Deciding to risk another glance at Shelby to see if she was still looking over this way, Toni looked back at the yearbook display only to find that Shelby had disappeared from view.

Not from Toni’s head, though. Not from Toni’s fucking head. 

“Toni?” Martha asked, and something in her tone made Toni guess that this wasn’t the first time her name had been called.

“Sorry, I was spacing out. What’s up?”

“Some girls from the old dance team wanna take a few pictures, so I’m gonna go catch up with them. But I’ll see you both later, okay?”

And after promising to find each other again later, Martha walked away into the sea of people. 

Dot spoke up, “Hey, I told Fatin and Leah that I’d meet up with them, do you wanna come? I’m sure they’d love to see you.”

It was nice of Dot to say, but Toni couldn’t really imagine that being true. Maybe it showed on Toni’s face because Dot continued, “They’ve mentioned you a few times since high school. About how they admired how unapologetic you always were, that it kind of helped them come to terms with some stuff. In little ways, but still.”

Toni raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yeah, I’m serious. Like, Fatin loves to tell the story about that time Andrew was fucking with you in the library and you got up on the table and announced to everyone that you and Andrew’s mom had been having an affair and you were going to be his new stepdad. Andrew was  _ livid _ , you know, saying he was gonna kill you and what not. And all you said, still on the fucking table, was, ‘Now, Andrew, that would be patricide.’” Dot could hardly get the story out, she started laughing so hard.

Toni joined in, though it was hard to believe she had been so bold. Somehow Andrew hadn’t gotten in trouble that day, despite the fact that he had started it, had been taunting her for the whole study period. Toni had had detention for weeks, though, not to mention her foster parents of the time had been pissed. 

It had been Toni’s fault for giving in, for biting Andrew’s bait. 

That was something Toni had never really understood, still didn’t if she was being honest. She couldn’t count the amount of times an authority figure had told her that Andrew, or whoever else it was that specific time, was just trying to get a rise out of her. That they just wanted to see her get angry. Because wasn’t that even worse? Wasn’t it fucking terrible to come at someone because you enjoyed getting a negative reaction from them? It was sick. 

Still, Toni liked that she’d had the guts to do it. It was something she could appreciate about herself, especially now that her anger didn’t consume her whole as often as it did back then. 

“Well, I’m glad you all enjoyed it. I live to serve,” Toni said.

“So what do you say? Wanna come over and say hey?” 

Toni did want to, she did. She was thoroughly enjoying Dot’s company, but at the same time Toni had gotten in her own head thinking about Andrew. Thinking about how he had always gotten away with everything because he was just some cis, straight, white guy and how Toni had been punished again and again for things that were out of her control. 

She needed a minute. 

“I think I’m gonna grab a drink first, but I’ll find you guys in a bit,” Toni said, smiling.

And Dot understood, Toni could see it in her eyes, feel it in the way she didn’t push. So Dot gave Toni her number, in case she couldn’t find her later, before heading across the gym to Leah and Fatin. 

True to her word, Toni went to the refreshment table. She needed a fucking drink, something that burned just enough to remind her that regardless of whatever demons that wanted to resurface, to drag her back to what this place tried to turn her into, it wasn’t her life anymore. Toni had made it out. She was okay. She was okay. 

And thank god this event had an open bar. Like, literally open, an array of various bottles and mixers covering a foldout table with a plastic tablecloth on top. Toni grabbed a clear plastic cup and gave a hefty pour of the first bottle of dark liquor she could get her hands on and then topped it off with Coke. She wasn’t too picky. 

Her first sip burned her throat, and she took the moment to survey her surroundings. She turned so her back was facing the bleachers, as she felt too exposed otherwise. Like someone was going to come up behind her. 

God, trauma was a crazy thing. It snuck up on you sometimes. 

From here, Toni couldn’t spot anyone that she knew. She was relieved to have the space to recollect herself,  _ and _ to hopefully polish off her drink and get a refill before doing anything else. Tilting her head back, Toni took a couple more gulps, wincing at the burn.

A voice from her right spoke up, her accent faded but not completely gone. “That strong, huh?”

Shelby. In the flesh. Right next to Toni. Had she been there long? How had Toni not noticed her before?

Toni swallowed hard. “Yeah. Yeah, a little bit.”

Shelby turned so they were side by side, both girls facing the event which continued on without them. “I didn’t think you would be here.”

“You’re not the first person to say that to me tonight.” 

Shelby hummed and laughed lightly. “How’ve you been?”

“Good. What about you?” Toni didn’t know exactly why she was being so withholding. Shelby was being pleasant. Polite. 

“I’m good, yeah. Or, better than I thought I would be, being back here.”

Toni looked over at the other girl. She seemed a little nervous, fidgeting. What was she doing? Why was she over here when her boyfriend and all her friends were somewhere else?

“What do you want, Shelby?” And the question was a little harsh, but Toni’s tone was calm, asking.

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you talking to me?” Again, if the words had come out of Toni’s mouth ten years ago, they would’ve been biting, but she had changed, she had gotten out of here and she had gotten better. 

“I wanted to see how you were doing, if you’re happy now. I think about you sometimes.”

_ I think about you sometimes. _

_ God. _ What the hell was going on?

Whatever it was, Toni could tell Shelby was trying. Trying to do what? Toni wasn’t really sure, but still. Trying.

“What gave away that I wasn’t happy in high school?” Toni joked, and she smiled when it made Shelby laugh. “Was it the constant yelling? Or the fact that I was in the principal’s office more often than not?”

“Yeah, I guess it was a combination of the two. But. Not that it matters now, I guess, but I never thought you were too angry.”

Toni just gave her a look. Shelby laughed and continued, “Okay, maybe that doesn’t sound right. I just mean, your anger felt like a cover to me. And I could understand that.”

“A cover for what?”

“Sadness,” Shelby answered, her eyes shining with something unsaid. “I thought you were sad.”

Toni cleared her throat and looked away, unable to hold the other girl’s gaze. She felt called out, really. If it wasn’t her own life, she might’ve laughed, and she kind of wanted to laugh anyway. Who would’ve thought she would be having this conversation with Shelby fucking Goodkind?

“How’d you know? That I was sad?”

Shelby looked down at the ground, a sort of self-deprecating smile gracing her lips. She was softer than Toni had ever seen her. Worn down by something, but in that way that seemed almost a relief. Like the worst was over. Whatever it may have been. 

“Because I was sad too.”

The words felt like a huge admission, like Shelby hadn’t come over here to say them but she had been thinking about them, that they had been pushed to the surface by something. Maybe it was the school. It brought something out of people. 

When Toni didn’t reply, Shelby asked, “Could you tell? That I was sad?”

“Not exactly. But I always thought you were… performing. I never saw you take off the mask you wore around, and the pageant gown kinda seemed like it was on even when it wasn’t.”

“Yeah. You’re right, I think. I didn’t realize it until a lot later, though. Or maybe I knew, but I chose not to see it. I thought if I kept up the act it would become easier.”

Toni tried to read her, staring into the side of Shelby’s face, trying to catch her eyes, but she couldn’t. The words were so specific. It made Toni think of that night again. It made Toni think of what Dot said, about the people on your periphery. It made Toni think about the fact that sometimes it was the timing that was wrong. 

So Toni pushed a little. “I think I only saw you drop it once. And for just a moment. But I saw you that night. At the party. It was nice.”

Shelby finally met her eyes. And Toni thought a small smile was beginning to pull at the corners of Shelby’s mouth. 

Until-- 

“HEY, there you are, Shelbs,” Andrew said loudly. “Trevor just got here and he wants to see you, let’s go.”

To Toni’s surprise, Shelby declined. “Maybe later, I’m talking to Toni right now.”

“Who?” Andrew asked.

“ _ Toni _ ,” Shelby said, gesturing to her. Right there in front of Andrew. 

Andrew noticed her for the first time. “Oh, hey. I’m Andrew, not sure if we’ve met.” Something in his eyes flashed, and it confirmed what Toni already knew. He was the exact same. He hadn’t grown, hadn’t even tried. Even now, ten years later, he was trying to make Toni react.

A heat rose in Toni’s chest, stronger than she’d felt it in a long time. It pushed at her, wanted her to do something, to make a scene. 

At the same time, she could feel Shelby’s eyes on her, worried. Caring, maybe. 

She took a deep breath. “Long time, no see, Andrew. You haven’t changed a bit.” It gave her a little satisfaction, just enough to let the moment go. And of course, Andrew smirked, taking it as a compliment to his looks. Fucking idiot.

“Yeah, thanks,” he answered, already turning back to Shelby. “C’mon, Shelby, everyone’s wondering where you are.”

People like Andrew always said  _ everyone _ when they really meant  _ everyone that matters _ . 

Toni could see Shelby begin to fight it, opening her mouth to refuse again, but Toni had had enough. She thought she had seen something in Shelby during their conversation, something real and good, but if she was still with Andrew, what did it matter? Who could be with someone like that? 

“It’s fine, Shelby. I think I need some air anyway. I hope you guys are really happy together,” and with that, Toni walked away, grabbing a full bottle of something clear off the liquor table as she went.

Andrew laughed behind her, and Shelby called her name, but Toni didn’t stop walking until she was outside. 


	2. things change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni and Shelby are soft. Timing is everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's part two!
> 
> as a disclaimer, i realized i wrote that toni drinks enough to at least be tipsy and then later we see her driving. my bad. dont drink and drive kids! im just dumb and didnt really even think about it and then literally i was just too lazy to change it lol
> 
> enjoy!

Once outside, Toni headed to the football field. Despite the cold, the air felt nice, and truthfully, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to leave yet. And she certainly wouldn’t leave without warning Martha first.

It was misty on the field, the wetness in the air sitting low. For whatever reason, the lights were on, as if they wanted people to sneak out here, relive their glory days.

The thought made Toni want to hurl.

She never once went to a football game in high school. For one, the sport was absolutely drenched in toxic masculinity. And also, Andrew and his whole friend group had made up the team, so she didn’t care much to support them. It wasn’t like any of them ever came to the girls’ basketball games.

Toni shook her head. God, this place was getting to her. She was working herself up over stuff that was so far in the past it was like another life altogether. In a way, she guessed it was. 

The field was actually sort of serene, though, deserted as it was. It felt like one of those liminal spaces. In between worlds. 

It was huge, too. The school must’ve spent a fortune on it. Sure, they couldn’t assist the low-income kids with school supplies or anything like that, but they could drop ridiculous stacks on a field for a fucking high school sports team. Ridiculous.

Toni was comforted that her new job sought to make a difference in the public school system. After college, Toni had moved to California to work for a nonprofit that sought to improve facilities and resources in lower-income neighborhoods, which often had a higher proportion of students of color. She had managed to work her way up the chain a bit and had also been able to implement a side program, which focused on creating support systems within schools for LGBTQ+ youth. 

Toni had come a long way. She wanted to help others do the same. 

Here, though, Toni felt small again. Just a bit. Like she had to work harder to feel normal. To feel like herself. 

She sat on the cold metal of the bleachers, and the dew soaked into her jeans, but she paid it no mind. Toni took a long pull from the bottle she had stolen, happy to find that the buzz spreading through her limbs also took the edge off the cold. 

She was twenty eight now. The last time she had been here was ten years ago. Was the time she had spent here allowed to affect her the way it did tonight? If the past was still haunting her, even to a minor extent, did that mean she hadn’t really moved on? Was it just a front, same as her anger? 

She hoped not. She really hoped not. 

Toni took another sip, trying to remind herself that she had made it out of this town. This was just a visit. It was just a stupid high school reunion that was bringing up some old feelings. That was normal. 

Right?

And she tried to think of the good things. There were good things in her life, and there had even been good things here tonight. Talking to Dot and seeing Fatin and Leah even from afar, possibly catching up with them later, and proving that she could control herself even when provoked. 

_ And Shelby _ . 

Sort of. 

Toni leaned her elbows on her knees and hung her head down, closing her eyes. 

If Toni was honest with herself, and she really didn’t want to be, what she wanted more than anything was to go back inside and find Shelby. Find Shelby and then show her just how clearly Toni could see her. To prove that neither of them had to be alone. It was all about the timing, wasn’t it? 

Footsteps clanged across the metal bleachers, and Toni whipped her head up, hoping to find those electric green eyes. But it wasn’t. It was two figures, and the backlighting from the field lights made Toni squint, unable to tell who it was.

“Hey, is that Toni Shalifoe?” One of the people called out.

Toni didn’t reply, waiting for them to get closer. Once they were only a few rows away, Toni finally realized who it was. The Reid sisters. 

They were another couple of people that Toni never minded, loners in their own way. Rachel because she had always been dead-set on diving, never losing focus, never taking her eyes off of what mattered. It had been intense. Toni used to wonder if Rachel was going to push herself until she broke. 

And then there was Nora, who was so smart that most kids had wanted nothing to do with her. Didn’t know how to be around her. Never gave her a chance.

“Oh, hey” Toni said, raising the hand with the bottle in it. “What are you guys doing out here?”

“It was getting a little too crazy in there,” Nora replied, hopping onto one of the benches and walking along it with her arms stretched to the side. 

Rachel sat a little ways down the bench Toni was on. “Yeah, mind if we join you? Feel free to say no,” she added, eyeing the bottle in Toni’s hand. 

The watchful gaze made Toni a little wary, fearful of being judged, but upon closer look, Rachel’s eyes were nothing but kind. Understanding. They had needed space too, after all. 

“Yeah, of course,” Toni replied. She held the bottle out. “Want some?”

Rachel laughed, “Sure.” And after tipping the bottle back, she handed it to Nora who did the same, before handing it back to Toni. 

Toni let silence fall again. She had been desperate to be alone, but now that they were here, Toni found it was kind of nice to have the sisters’ presences. She didn’t know them well, or at all really, but it felt like a reminder that she wasn’t alone. 

“How have you guys been?” Toni asked. 

“Good,” Nora said. “I work in a research lab now, keeps me pretty busy. And the people are nice.”

“She doesn’t just work there,” Rachel added, rolling her eyes. “She’s the head researcher, she has a whole team. It’s good work, not that I understand any of it.” And she laughed lightly, there was no resentment. She was proud of her sister. It was nice. They seemed closer now. 

“Wow, that’s amazing, Nora,” Toni said. And the words came easily. “What about you, Rachel? Still diving?”

Nora flinched at Toni’s question, and she wondered if she had struck a nerve, but Rachel just smiled and waved her off. “I actually stopped diving in college. Worked myself to the bone, kind of fell apart for a while. But now I do this water therapy program for kids with special needs and disabilities. It feels good. To be doing something… good. To find the healing in water again.” She offered up a small smile.

Toni smiled back. “I’m glad you guys are doing alright.” She meant it. She really meant it.

“And you?” Nora asked. “How are you?”

Toni sighed, the alcohol coursing through her veins making it a little harder to think. How was she? 

Before this stupid fucking reunion, she had no doubt in her mind that she was good, great even. One night couldn’t change that, could it? She had made it out of here alive, she had gotten through it, she was trying to make a difference.

It was just, being back here. It did something to her. It brought everything back up. 

How could something so simple, so unalive get into her head? It was just a place. Just a school. Just a town. 

Maybe it hadn’t been just that back then, though. It had been so hard, the small minds and cruel words and rougher hands.

Toni closed her eyes and reminded herself it was in the past. Even though it didn’t exactly feel like it at this moment, those things were from another time. She had come so far. Hadn’t that been proved over and over tonight?

She had reconnected with people she didn’t expect. She hadn’t beat Andrew’s face in, even when he was asking for it. She had found good moments and good people and good things despite being convinced they didn’t exist here. That was something. It had to be. It was enough. 

Toni wasn’t the same person she had been ten years ago. 

She was okay. 

Just because she was being reminded of some of the tougher parts of her childhood, it didn’t mean she was fucked up or holding onto things that she wasn’t allowed to. Some of her ghosts still lived here, and just like Andrew and those other assholes, they were baiting her. Trying to make her feel like less than she was, to make her feel small and unimportant and unchanged. 

But it just wasn’t true. Toni wouldn’t let it be true. She was in control of her own life, and she decided who got left behind and who she wanted in it. 

Who did she want? 

_ I think about you sometimes. Because I was sad too. I thought if I kept up the act it would become easier. _

“Toni, you okay?” Rachel asked.

She wondered if she had been quiet long. 

“Yeah,” Toni said. “Yeah, I am.” Then, curious, she asked, “Do you guys feel weird? Being back here?”

And the minute the words were out her mouth, Toni feared she would have to explain them. To dive into everything that had been wrong back then and all the ways it wanted to sabotage her now. 

But Nora replied simply, “Fuck yeah. I mean, there’s so many people in there acting like it’s still high school. Like, pretending the bad things never happened or that the good things are still there, that everything that happened here is all that ever existed and all that ever will.”

Rachel nodded, saying, “Yeah, man. I’ve got some bad blood with this place, and when I walked into that gym, I could feel it rising in my throat. Like--like  _ bile _ .”

“And how do you deal with it?” Toni asked, not liking how strained her voice sounded.

Rachel shrugged. “Mostly I just reminded myself I’m not alone. Not anymore. And in some ways, I never really was.”

Nora sat down a few rows down, turning to look up at Toni. “And people like Andrew? They hold onto things like high school because they’re nothing without it. They don’t have anything else.”

Toni blinked rapidly, finding that her eyes had begun to water. They were right. And most importantly, Toni wasn’t alone. And she was worth something, no matter how much the ghosts in this town tried to convince her otherwise. 

“Jeez,” Toni said, wiping her sleeve across her nose. “You guys have always been so smart. I don’t know how you do it.” She passed the bottle around again. “Do you ever think about who was on your periphery back in the day? The people that you might’ve been friends with if things hadn’t been so shitty?”

“All the fucking time,” Rachel said. “I always thought that about you, y’know. I could see how hard you worked. If I didn’t have my head so far up my own ass with all my diving shit, I think I would’ve realized that any girl who throws her own piss at another girl during a basketball game has got to care a whole lot.”

Toni laughed. “God, I think I was trying to repress that. So thank you for bringing it up.”

“Anytime, man. How about you, Nor?”

Nora hummed, eyes never quite settling while she was thinking. “There were a few, now that I think about it. The most surprising one is Shelby Goodkind, for me at least. I know her friend group sucked, but she was always kind to me during a time when not many people were. Or worse, when most people ignored me altogether.” 

Just hearing her name made Toni’s heart beat a little faster. She had always been there. Lingering around the edges. 

Nora continued, “There was this time she saw me reading Shakespeare in the hall during lunch, and she stopped to talk about how her favorite play was  _ Death of a Salesman _ . She quoted it wrong, thinking that Biff was telling off his boss when he was really telling his dad that he didn’t want to live for him anymore. And I was just happy someone was talking to me, so I corrected her. And the look on her face, I never forgot it. Like she had made a huge mistake, world-ending. It was guilt, I think.”

Toni’s brow furrowed, a little confused. “Guilt?”

“Yeah. I mean, after talking to her tonight I can see why. Apparently she decided to come out to her family this year when she came home. Her dad lost it. Kicked her out, told her not to come back. He couldn’t do anything more than that, but I can only imagine what would’ve happened if she had tried to come out while she was still living under Pastor Goodkind’s roof.”

Toni was so confused. “Wait,  _ wait _ . Come out? I thought--I thought she was with Andrew still?”

Rachel and Nora laughed. 

“What’s so funny?” Toni’s mind was racing, her heart too. 

Rachel answered, still laughing, “Man, if she was still dating Andrew, what happened in there just now would’ve been considered a domestic I think.”

Nora chimed in, “Yeah, that’s why we came out here. Shelby punched Andrew in the face and everything got crazy crowded and loud. We thought we’d wait it out.”

Shelby. Oh,  _ Shelby _ .

“Oh my god. I have to go,” Toni said, standing up and getting ready to run.

“I think I saw her heading towards the parking lot,” Nora said knowingly. 

And Toni smiled. “Cool. Um, thanks. If you guys are in town a little longer, we should get together maybe. There’s a few others that would be interested, I think. The good ones.”

Rachel and Nora happily agreed, but otherwise didn’t hold Toni any longer, which she was thankful for. She had somewhere to be. 

\---

When Toni got to the parking lot, she put her hands on her knees, out of breath. She had run all the way there, and she was quickly realizing that she was a long way from the girl that lived for basketball conditioning days. 

Once she was recollected enough to stand, Toni looked around. Shelby was nowhere in sight. Fuck, had she missed her? Did she not get here in time?

Then,

“Toni?” A voice from her right. 

It was Shelby. Sitting on the front steps of the school. 

“Hey,” Toni said smiling. And despite the rush she had been in to get here and find the other girl, Toni took her time now. There was no rush.

She walked over to the steps and sat down next to Shelby, who she noticed was cradling one hand in the other. “Hey,” Shelby returned.

“I was looking for you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

A moment passed. Then Shelby asked, “Why?”

There was so much Toni could say, so much she wanted to say. She didn’t know where to begin. 

“I went out to the football field, and I was getting all in my head, worried that I hadn’t ever made it out of here. Because there were times tonight when I started to feel the way I did back then. Sad. And lonely. And more than anything, I wanted to find you, because talking to you was the most normal I felt all night.”

And she found the words easily, because they were true. Seeing Dot, Leah, Fatin, and Rachel and Nora had helped, too. Knowing that she wasn’t the only one that had been struggling all those years ago, seeing that it was possible to move on and grow tall enough to face your demons. But while talking with Shelby, Toni hadn’t really had to think at all. A genuine reprieve from everything about her hometown that scared her, even now.

To an extent, Toni had thought Shelby lived in her past, but she was here. She had always been right there, somewhere in the periphery. Sometimes closer. It was a revelation. Divine. 

Toni could feel Shelby’s gaze on the side of her face, but she wasn’t ready to look. “But I thought about Andrew, and I saw you with him earlier, so I thought you guys were still together. I just needed some courage. To breathe for a second. To take a break and remind myself that this isn’t the whole world.”

Shelby smiled. “I understand that. Just so you know, I’m not with him anymore. We broke up right when we got to college. He couldn’t do distance without cheating on me, and I finally realized I didn’t love him. And that I never would. That I  _ couldn’t _ , no matter how hard I tried.”

Toni turned to the girl sitting next to her, soft smiles in the dark. “You kissed me. At that party.”

“I did.”

“And then you ignored me. For weeks.” But it wasn’t accusatory, just observing.

“I guess I wasn’t ready. That night, I really wanted to be. I wanted everything to just be easy like it had been in that moment. But the timing was off.”

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about timing a lot tonight.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The two girls couldn’t stop smiling at each other. It was so soft and tender and new and neither of them had ever really felt anything like it. 

“I punched Andrew in the face,” Shelby said, smirking. Maybe even a little proud.

Toni leaned back on her hands, loving the look on Shelby. “I heard. Can I ask what sparked this act of violence? Maybe I’m a bad influence, are you sure you wanna hang around me?”

Shelby let out a soft laugh at Toni’s antics, seeming appreciative that the girl was making this somewhat easy on her. “Well, it was typical of him, really. He said something offensive. About you. And I just realized how tired I was of pretending. It was a long time coming I think.”

Toni didn’t know what to say. Her whole life she had been the one to stand up and fight and try to find some kind of solace for herself because the truth was no one else ever would. But that wasn’t true, not anymore. Shelby had fought for her.  _ It was a long time coming _ . 

Shelby waited for Toni to come to her words but held back a smile when it became clear that nothing would do the moment justice. It was just too much for Toni, in the best way. Having someone in her corner.

So Toni slowly, ever so gently, took Shelby’s injured hand in her own. She brushed her fingertips over the bruising knuckles, traced the bursts of blue and purple and green with a soft touch she didn’t even know she was capable of. But for Shelby? Anything. Everything. 

Shelby watched her the whole time, observing the reverent way in which Toni caressed her tender hand. Not like she was breakable. No. It was like she was something precious. Even now. Even like this.

Then, to Shelby’s wonderment, Toni lifted Shelby’s hand to her mouth, brushing her lips over each knuckle, kissing them gently and with meticulous care. Whatever Toni lacked in eloquence, she was desperate to make up for with something and  _ god _ , she did. She did. 

And Shelby whispered, “You’re not, y’know.”

Toni stopped, a little confused. “Not what?”

“A bad influence. At all. You’re good Toni, you always have been.”

And somehow, it was exactly what Toni needed to hear. If she hadn’t fallen completely yet, she was halfway there. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

\---

Shelby seemed surprised when Toni drove them to the rundown burger joint in town, rather than somewhere more private. In any case, it turned out both girls hadn’t eaten in hours, so that was the natural first step. They had time. Toni was sure of it. 

Toni insisted on paying for the both of them despite Shelby’s insistence that she could get her own. When Toni said Shelby could just get the food next time, Shelby’s cheeks pinked and she smiled. Yeah, that worked. That was good with her.

Once the clerk handed Toni a couple of grease-stained paper bags full of burgers and fries and way too many of those wasteful little ketchup packets, they got back in the car, Toni saying she wanted to take Shelby somewhere special. 

As it turned out,  _ somewhere special _ was the town’s famous lookout point, which had been called Lover’s Lookout in high school because many a couple had used the location as a place to hookup and hang out. When Toni pulled into a parking spot, Shelby couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What?” Toni asked, joining in. 

When Shelby had caught her breath, she replied, “It’s just. I never would have guessed, y’know? That I’d be here with you at twenty eight.”

“Yeah, I guess I thought it’d be funny. Recreating what I always imagined a normal high school date would be like.” 

And Toni only sort of noticed that Shelby smiled at the word  _ date. _

“I like it,” Shelby said. “I never actually came out here in high school. Andrew always wanted to, but I didn’t. Not with him, at least,” Shelby finished with a pointed look at Toni.

Toni raised her styrofoam cup. “Well, cheers, then. To getting a taste of high school normalcy. And, of course, to the class of 2011! WOO!”

She knew it was stupid, but it made Shelby laugh again, and Toni understood then that she would do whatever it took. The timing was right. Everything was clear. She wasn’t going to let it slip. 

They ate in comfortable silence, Shelby controlling the music using Toni’s phone. Once in a while, Toni would point out a constellation in the sky, telling the story of the time she hadn’t been able to go to the planetarium, so to prove that she didn’t need to, she had tried to teach herself about the stars. 

In response, Shelby just reached a hand out and brushed her thumb over Toni’s cheek. There was no pity in her eyes. They were past that. It was understanding. It was care.

When they finished eating, Toni shifted in her seat just a little so that she was facing Shelby. “So, any other places down memory lane that you wanna visit?” 

“Not really,” Shelby answered. “You?”

Toni shook her head, taking Shelby in. The way she had one long leg tucked under herself. The way her fingers tapped along to the quiet music, seemingly of their own accord. “In high school, all I wanted was to get out of here,” Toni said. “And I dreaded coming back for the reunion, I think I lost sleep over it. Now, though, I think I realize it’s the people that make or break a place. And sure, there were some shitty people at that school tonight, people whose insides were still just as ugly as before, but more than anything, I feel okay. I feel  _ good _ .”

Shelby listened intently, so patient. Tender. 

Toni continued, “I’m just happy to be here with you. Right now. It feels like a long time coming.” 

“A long time coming,” Shelby echoed, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. After a moment, Shelby looked away, suddenly shy. “Do you mind if I propose something?”

“Anything.”

“I love that you brought me here. I think it’s sweet and funny, and I was caught up in so much bullshit in high school, always worried about doing what was expected of me and having all the classic experiences, when it turns out the real thing I missed out on was you. But we’re here now. Maybe it had to happen like this, maybe it didn’t, but regardless, we’re here and--”

“Shelby, hey,” Toni said, reaching her hand out to cup Shelby’s cheek, realizing the girl was circling something, not sure how to say it. “I’m with you. On everything. You okay?”

Shelby took a deep breath, calmed by Toni’s touch. “Yes. Yes, I’m okay. Better than okay. I just-I want to kiss you. I want more than that, I think. But we’re adults now, and I guess I’m just thinkin’ that I don’t need our first kiss to be here. This wasn’t us. We don’t have to be this.”

Toni grinned. Shelby was right. Toni hadn’t really thought about it before, but yeah, they were more than Lovers’ Lookout. Shelby deserved better than a place where boys came to pressure their girlfriends into doing more than they wanted.

“Couldn’t agree more. Let’s go.”

\---

The ride back to Martha’s was charged with energy. There was something crackling in the air between them, begging Toni to reach out, to make contact. Toni wanted to put her hand on Shelby’s thigh, to feel the heat there and reach further up, searching.

But she was getting ahead of herself. She did that sometimes, but it was especially difficult now, sitting so close to Shelby, in such an enclosed space. The tension was thick and palpable, filling the entire car with feelings of  _ soon soon soon. _

Glancing at Shelby, Toni saw the other girl’s eyes had darkened to a deep green, pooling with desire. Thank god Toni wasn’t the only one. And thank god the town was small, the one perk being that Toni and Shelby were able to make it from Lover’s Lookout to Martha’s backhouse in under ten minutes. 

Toni parked in front of the house, but the driveway was still empty, which meant Martha was either still at the reunion or had gone out with the dance team. That was fine, Toni was hoping for a night of privacy. Still, she sent off a quick text just in case, typing out,  _ Having company over. Don’t worry, I’ll wash the sheets after x _ . It felt a little presumptuous, Toni didn’t want to assume what they were going to do. It was just in case. 

_ I want to kiss you. I want more than that, I think _ . Yes, just in case. 

They got out of the car, Toni coming around to meet Shelby on the sidewalk.

“Martha’s house, right?” Shelby asked.

“Yeah. I’m staying here for the holidays, but in their backhouse. It has a bed and bathroom and stuff.” Toni felt a little nervous all of a sudden. Why had she mentioned that it had a bed and bathroom? Stupid. Admittedly, it had been a little while. 

But Shelby just replied, “Oh, yeah? I’d love a tour.”

Toni smiled, relaxing instantly. “Sure thing. I think I can manage that.” She held out her hand to Shelby, who took it in her good one and let Toni lead the way along the side of the house. 

Shelby’s hand was soft, warm. The contact sent tingles up Toni’s arm, sped up the beat of her heart. She was disappointed when she had to let go to dig the keys out of her bag and unlock the door, but it was only a moment before she held the door open for Shelby and followed her inside. 

The only light in the studio came from the moonlight shining in through the windows, illuminating Shelby where she stood. “Hey, this is a pretty nice place.”

“Yeah, it’s not too bad. There’s a little kitchenette right there,” Toni said pointing, “The bed is in the corner over there, and the bathroom is around that corner. In case you were wondering or anything. I know you wanted the tour.”

“That was perfect, thank you,” Shelby said, stepping closer, right into Toni’s space.

“Shelby…” Toni said softly.

“Yeah,” Shelby whispered in return.

Toni didn’t want to push Shelby. She didn’t want her to think she had any expectations. They could do anything, nothing, and this would still probably be one of the best nights of Toni’s life. She had to let Shelby make the decision. So Toni said, “Maybe we should get some ice on your hand? It’s pretty bruised, I don’t want it to get any worse.”

Shelby took Toni’s hands in her own. “You’re sweet. But it’s okay, it doesn’t even hurt anymore.”

“I think I’m nervous. I think I like you a lot. I think in some way I always have.”

“Me too.”

“What do you want? What’s… what’s okay?”

And Shelby looked right into Toni’s eyes and said, “Everything.”

It was enough. 

Toni brought her hands up to either side of Shelby’s face and closed the distance between them. She cradled Shelby’s head gently in her hands, pressing their lips together softly, taking Shelby’s lower lip between both of her own. 

At the touch, Shelby put her hands on Toni’s waist, fingers flexing into the jacket Toni was wearing. Shelby grabbed onto the material, fisting it in her hands like she never wanted to let go, and if Toni had been aware enough to consider forever, to consider anything other than the exact moment they were currently living, she would’ve been fine with it.

Toni tilted her head, deepening the kiss and feeling her own heart beat so loud in her chest that she wondered if maybe Shelby could feel it through her clothes, if it was pounding so hard that the vibrations rang through Shelby’s entire body. She wanted it to. She wanted Shelby to feel everything. 

Their movements heated up quickly, their breaths becoming ragged. Toni licked at Shelby’s lips and the blonde opened up for her, blooming, wanting. God. 

Soon it was too much and not enough at the same time. Toni pulled back just slightly, just enough to begin peppering kisses across Shelby’s jaw and down her neck, fingers curling into that silky, honey-gold hair. When she tugged just slightly, just trying to get closer, Shelby moaned into open air. Moaned because of  _ her _ . It was enough to make Toni feel on top of the world. 

As Toni continued pressing open-mouthed kisses on the soft skin of Shelby’s neck, licking and sucking at the tender skin, Shelby whispered,“Just so you know, I haven’t done this before. With-with a girl.” 

Immediately Toni pulled back and Shelby’s eyes widened with worry for just a moment before Toni leaned her forehead against the other girl’s. “Shelby, it’s okay. We can go at your pace. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I want you,” Shelby said, closing her eyes. “So bad. I’m just afraid I’m not gonna be any good at it.”

Toni smiled, quickly pressing her lips against the blonde’s. “I don’t know how to convince you of this, but please believe me when I say that that is an impossibility.” Toni took one of Shelby’s hands from her waist and placed it over her heart so there could be no doubt in Shelby’s mind of just how much she was affecting her. “And we can just take it as we go.” 

Shelby opened her eyes once more and flicked them back and forth between Toni’s, searching for something. And she must have found it because a moment later she crashed their mouths back together, pressing her body further into Toni’s space, closer than physically possible, atoms melding, electrons bending to the will of Shelby Goodkind.

The force of it pushed Toni back, but she spun them around so that she was walking Shelby backwards towards the bed in the corner of the room, never breaking contact, unable and unwilling to pull away, even for a second. 

When the backs of Shelby’s knees hit the foot of the bed, Shelby broke the kiss, immediately pulling her sweater up and over her head, leaving the top half of her body in a simple black bra. Toni began to withdraw her hands, but Shelby grabbed them and brought them back to bare skin. 

“Please,” Shelby said. “Touch me.”

And who was Toni to deny one of god’s creatures. She slid her hands across the hot skin of Shelby’s stomach to her back and undid her bra in one quick motion, which Shelby pulled off her arms and flung to the ground, leaving her bare chest exposed. 

Again, Toni faltered, wanting to double check that this was okay, that Shelby was okay, but Shelby could read the concern in her eyes. So she slowed for a second, leaned in and kissed Toni’s waiting lips. It was all Toni needed to continue, putting her hands back on Shelby’s body, roaming the newly exposed skin. 

Toni slid a hand up to cup Shelby’s breast, could feel the nipple hardening under her palm. “Fuck, Shelby,” Toni whispered, brushing her nose against Shelby’s, lips barely touching. “Fuck.”

And Shelby moaned softly as Toni began to play with her sensitive nipples, plucking one between her thumb and forefinger before switching sides. “Toni, please.”

Toni wasn’t sure what the begging meant exactly, but she could read Shelby well enough. She knew her, saw her. Understood what the girl wanted. So Toni dipped her head, taking Shelby’s other stiffened peak into her mouth, laving her tongue over it, using just a little bit of teeth. Toni couldn’t really believe it, that she got to touch Shelby this way, had the pleasure of making her feel good. It was heaven. 

Heaven on earth. 

Shelby’s hands began to claw at Toni’s clothes, so Toni pulled away, letting Shelby take off her jacket and shirt and bra. From there, Shelby sat down on the bed and then pushed herself up towards the headboard, leaving Toni to crawl after her and settle on top. 

Their bare chests pressed together and Toni’s skin was on fire. She knew she was wet already, could feel her thighs slipping together even though she was still wearing pants. But this wasn’t about her, not yet. She wanted to touch Shelby, to show her how hard she was falling without words, to build her all the way up and catch her. 

Toni leaned in to kiss Shelby again, their mouths open and wanting, tongues licking against teeth. Shelby’s hands were on Toni’s back, nails pressing into skin. It was an anchor. A tether.

“Toni, I need you,” Shelby moaned, moving her lips to the taut skin of Toni’s neck and taking one of Toni’s hands and sliding it down her body until it rested between her legs. 

Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _ Shelby was wet. Toni could feel it soaking through the thin material of her pants. “Oh my god, Shelby.” Toni applied just the slightest amount of pressure, and Shelby’s hips bucked into her hand. 

If Toni didn’t know better she would think Shelby was close. Was she? Was she close already?

“Take them off. Please,” Shelby said, hot breath washing over Toni’s ear, sending goosebumps across the bare skin of her torso. Toni didn’t need to be told twice. 

She sat up on her knees in the space between Shelby’s legs, fumbling with her fingers to unbutton them. Once she succeeded, she slowly, meticulously pulled the plaid pants down Shelby’s long legs and threw them somewhere on the floor. 

Shelby’s underwear was navy blue, but Toni could still see the wetness staining the front a darker color, could see the  _ outline  _ of her. 

“ _ Shelby. _ ”

“C’mere,” Shelby said, pulling Toni back up her body so they were face to face once more. Toni gazed down into Shelby’s eyes, seeing nothing but affection and want and care, and it was overwhelming. Who had ever looked Toni like that? Who had ever looked at Toni and felt she was worth something?

“Are you okay?” Shelby asked, and it was a little backwards, but Shelby could read her too well. 

“I just don’t think anyone’s ever looked at me the way you’re looking at me right now,” Toni said honestly.

Shelby smiled and tilted her head up for a soft kiss. They slowed down marginally, and it was better like that anyway. For this first time, they both needed soft hands, to hold and be held. 

Toni straddled Shelby’s left leg, giving herself room to bring her hand down Shelby’s body again. She brushed over the tendons in Shelby’s neck and traced the angle of her collarbone before sliding lower, flicking her thumb over Shelby’s nipple and dipping her head to suck it into her mouth. She released and let her breath wash over it, seeing goosebumps spread across Shelby’s chest. 

Finally, Toni hand blazed a trail down Shelby’s stomach, the peach fuzz below her navel standing on end, at last reaching the waistband of Shelby’s panties, dipping her fingers just underneath. 

“Can I?” Toni asked, kissing Shelby’s chin and cheeks and lips.

“ _ God _ , yes,” Shelby answered, green eyes dark and beautiful. 

And Toni pushed her hand under the material of Shelby’s underwear, instantly meeting hot, slick. 

Fuck. 

Gingerly, Toni swiped her fingers through Shelby’s slick, her touch light and teasing. Getting Shelby acquainted with the feeling, satisfied at the choked whimpers pouring from her full lips. “Shelby.  _ Shelby. _ ”

She brought her fingers up to the bundle of nerves at the top of Shelby’s slit, rubbing circles around the head, knowing that Shelby might be too sensitive for direct contact at first. 

Shelby’s hips jerked again, lifting off the bed, searching for pressure, for relief. “Toni,  _ yes _ . Right there.  _ Oh. _ ”

And Toni sped up her movements a little, feeling Shelby respond to her touch, figuring out what Shelby liked and how much pressure to use and when to press and when to slide and when to tease.

Shelby’s mouth dropped open in wordless gasp, eyes closing with pleasure. Toni watched in rapture. Was this real? What had Toni done in a past life to get to see Shelby like this, head thrown back, Toni’s name on her lips. 

Toni moved her fingers lower, her middle finger teasing at Shelby’s entrance, feeling more strands of slick coat her fingers, pure heat and need.

“I need you inside, Toni,” Shelby said, voice breathy and trembling with want.

“How many?”

“Two,” and the answer was so quick, devoid of any hesitation, that Toni knew Shelby had done this to herself before. Had worked her own fingers between her legs, pressed them inside. What did she think of when she touched herself? Had she ever thought of Toni? 

Fuck, Toni felt like she could come just from the thought. It was too much, she needed to focus.

Slowly, gently, Toni pushed two fingers into Shelby’s entrance, feeling her walls squeeze around her, making space for the intrusion. Opening up hungrily, eagerly. Shelby choked on a moan, fluttering around Toni’s fingers, as she began to move them in and out, stroking up against Shelby’s front wall each time. 

“Fuck, Toni.  _ Yes _ .” And Shelby cussing was just about the hottest thing Toni had ever heard. She doubled her efforts, speeding up the movement of her fingers, pressing in deeper, finding that spot that made Shelby gasp when she curled her fingers just right. 

Her arm started to ache, but she had found a rhythm, Shelby whimpering with every pass of her fingers. Her breath hit Toni’s lips in puffs when they weren’t pressed together, when Toni’s mouth and tongue weren’t busy lavishing Shelby’s breasts with attention, sucking at her nipples and kissing around her chest. 

“I’m-I think I’m close. Fuck.  _ Fuck _ .” And Toni could  _ feel  _ how true it was, could feel Shelby’s walls beginning to tighten around her, needing more friction. 

Changing the angle of her hand, Toni applied pressure to Shelby’s clit with the palm of her hand, pressed in deep now, continuously stroking over the ridged spot on Shelby’s front wall, her hand covered in Shelby’s wetness now, fingers slipping together. Fuck, she wanted to taste. 

Next time. 

Shelby couldn’t help but press her hips upward with every stroke of Toni’s fingers, needing to be closer and closer still to the girl on top of her. She never thought it could be like this. So intense and world-shattering and omnipotent and  _ perfect. _

She could feel the wave building up, so close to crashing

“Yes, yes,  _ yes _ ,” Shelby cried out. And it was a long time coming. 

Shelby crashed their lips together as the wave crashed over her, hips jumping erratically into Toni’s hand while she clamped around Toni’s fingers. 

Toni continued her movements, gentler now, until Shelby’s body had calmed, until she was too sensitive for even the slightest brush. 

“ _ Shelby _ ,” Toni whispered, in awe of the woman below her. So good and beautiful and light. 

And Shelby’s eyes were still closed, so Toni wasn’t sure just yet how she was feeling exactly, if Toni had been good enough, if Shelby had liked it, but a slow, easy smile spread across Shelby’s face, and Toni understood. 

Opening her eyes, Shelby just answered with Toni’s own name and those bright green eyes, shining like the stars that had kept Toni company on so many nights. And it was perfect. It was good.

Overcome just slightly, Toni had to touch, to feel the goddess underneath her body and know she was real, so at last she pulled her hand from Shelby’s underwear and held Shelby’s face in both of her hands, kissing her once, twice, three times. She was real. She was here. 

And then, for a second, Shelby sort of froze, and Toni was confused until she realized that it was because Toni had accidentally touched Shelby’s cheek without wiping off her fingers first, but before she could apologize, Shelby just looked at her, green eyes sparkling, pupils wide and watching and curious. And she took Toni’s hand. And brought Toni’s fingers to her own mouth.

And oh  _ god.  _ Shelby slipped Toni’s index and middle fingers past her lips, cleaning them off in her mouth, swirling her tongue around them. Hot and wet and  _ fuck _ , Toni was reminded of the wetness between her own legs. She pressed herself down against Shelby’s thigh and moaned. 

“Can I-- Like this?” Toni asked, sliding herself up and down Shelby’s upper thigh again, desperate for something to relieve the ache in her core. 

Shelby just nodded, taking Toni’s fingers deeper into her mouth, almost hitting the back of her throat. Their eyes never left each other as Toni worked herself toward release, her movements sloppy and desperate. Toni could feel how wet she was, knew it had soaked through her jeans, knew Shelby could feel it against her leg, but that just made it  _ hotter.  _

Toni pushed herself against Shelby’s toned thigh again and again, whines and heavy breaths falling from her lips with every pass, well past the point of control. But it didn’t matter. Shelby watched her intently, moaning around the fingers in her mouth, her hands moving to grip Toni’s hips and guide her. Faster and harder and--

“Fuck, Shelby, I’m gonna come,” Toni gasped, pulling her fingers from Shelby’s hot mouth and anchoring her hands on either side of Shelby’s head, fingers digging into the sheets. And as soon as Shelby opened her mouth, it was over.

“That’s it, Toni.  _ Come for me _ .”

Instantly, the dam broke, Toni arching her spine, head thrown back in pleasure. She gasped into Shelby’s mouth and held her eyes, thankful for Shelby’s hands on her hips, tethering her to the ground. 

When Toni at last stopped riding out the aftershocks of her high against Shelby, she lowered herself to her elbows, bringing their faces closer together. Shelby smiled up at her, and Toni smiled back. 

It felt right. Easy.

“C’mere,” Shelby said, pulling Toni’s weight all the way down so that she rolled off of Shelby and they lay side by side instead. Nose to nose, lips almost touching, arms wrapped around each other. Comfortable. Blissful. 

It felt like they were the only two people on earth. The world had stopped for them. No sounds other than their breathing, no movements but the rise and fall of their chests, the beating of their hearts synchronized. 

Oddly enough, to Toni, it felt like the universe understood that whatever was at play here was meant to happen just the way it did. She couldn’t explain it other than a feeling of existing with the exact right person at the exact right time. The rest was easy. The rest could fall into place. 

“Y’know, I feel like this is something good,” Toni said, breaking the silence. 

Shelby hummed in agreement, soft and pliable against her. “Yeah. Something good. I think we deserve it.”

“Me too,” Toni said, understanding that something good meant something worth holding onto. Worth waiting for and most certainly worth keeping once you found it. When you found your person, you just knew, and maybe it took a while, but in some sense, in some way, you always kind of knew. 

The next morning Toni awoke to Shelby holding her from behind (which meant Toni was the little spoon, but she was so comfortable she didn’t even care). Careful not to move so as not to wake the other girl, Toni checked her phone and saw a text from Martha.

It read,  _ Guessing it’s Shelby? Invite her to Christmas. _

Yeah, they would be okay. Toni snuggled back into Shelby’s embrace and fell into a warm, dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! lmk what yall thought, like and comment or whatever! and again if any of you girls gays or theys have au ideas, drop 'em down below! :)
> 
> ps i havent written many explicit scenes and its been a HOT minute since ive lived an explicit scene in real life (if u catch my drift), so if this isn't up to code i feel ur pain. 
> 
> i hope everyone is staying safe and taking care of themselves! more to come!

**Author's Note:**

> pls let me know what you liked in the comments/what you thought! thanks for reading! next chapter tomorrow or the next day :)


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